well it has been a day of searching for a better blog... not that this is not good enough but i just need something that looks better. well i found one. i couldn't really modify it to how i want it to look but hey, i like the template. :P
their server went down while i was setting up so i didn't get to finish it up. when it's finished i'll update you guys where i've transferred. okie dokie? ciao.
i have just discovered what the tbucks are for! haha... well i haven't really explored all of tblog and its features. good thing i discovered what it's meant so that i may maximize its use when i enhance my blog...
i've been reading blogs of other people i know in school and i couldn't believe the lives they have. i couldn't believe that some people that i thought were decent were really not. i guess looks can indeed deceive. then again, that's something for my mom to know... that i'm WAY better than the other kids... who are even younger than me!
despite having a nice monthsary, i feel really bad now because i got to greet mel late. i've always known her bday but i got too focused on my monthsary to greet her. i feel so bad....
it's our 8th monthsary today! :D and i'm so happy we've reached this long.. and i know we'll reach much longer than this... hopefully forever... right baby? mwah!
just made a friendster account for yellow yutie. she's with her dad right now and it has only been a day yet she has already learned kung fu! what a talented baby! the sweetest thing toff and i have...
well toff and i had a little drama thing this afternoon but we got to talk about it and it's okay already. i'm so glad that we have those kinds of talks because we get to the deepest areas of what we really feel hence, we get to express ourselves more freely and love infinitely...
it was such a cute thing the way he told me about his visit to the dentist... he couldn't take having his cavity-invaded tooth filled with pasta! he said his dentist treated him like a kid... isn't that cute? :lol: hehe... now he's the sweetest indeed... it was so cute when he made yellow yutie text me to wake me up! i love them both soooo much! mwah mwah mwah! kagigil....
i didn't get to blog yesterday. was too tired. came from ateneo yesterday to check on kat's acceptance letter and inquire about the result of my shifting to management. well i'd know on april 23. i aslo got my sister's grades and walked from building to building under the irritating heat of the sun. it was good to have toff with me although he himself had a headache from the heat.
well after that we went to shakey's to eat with kat and karla. my mom knew about it. but what we didn't know is that my mom was already there and she caught toffy hug me so sweetly. she just said she'll eat in jollibee then left. got bad trip with toff because of the whole pda thing but it wasn't really his fault. he was just being all sweet and cuddly. it's my mom who couldn't trust me from the start. well i guess she'll never trust us as much as before.
anyway, after that we went to the x-ray thingie coz kat and karla had their teeth x-rayed. we went to st' luke's afterwards for our appointment with the dentist. i had my braces off! it feels weird but i guess it's better. i'll have my retainers on monday. i had my teeth x-rayed also after that. i just have to narrate what happened when we were parking where we normally park at st. luke's. the guard there asked why we were gonna park there and tito bong2 said i'm my dad's daughter. when i got down, the guard asked me what my mom's name is so i said evelyn. he asked what her last name was. isn't that quite stupid... i said "duh, asawa siya ng dad ko.. malamang ledesma!" now who wouldn't get irritated at that kind of stupidity?!
anyway, while i was there my dad said he has chosen option two... trip to the states... i'm leaving on the 24th and i'll be back on the 14th of may. can't believe i'll leave earlier than toff...
toff was here today. was surprised he gave me sneakers... tis really cute... i'd have to find jeans to pair it with. the wrapper was nice too... my fave... apple green.. hehe. we watched the first episode of the O.C. i don't think he enjoyed it. well most of the time he was here, he was talking with my mom! it's okay... at least it's a step to forget what she saw at shakey's... or so i thought... coz just before i left for diane's debut, my mom asked me if toff was going. i said no... then she kept on telling me to BEHAVE. gosh, i hate that word. i'm sick of it. i think it's enough that i do trust myself. i also can't believe that she thought i asked toffy to buy me sneakers!!! i can't believe that her mind can run like that... i guess that gives you the idea why i just don't connect with her... argh
well went to diane's bday at bargo, eastwood. that was the last time with toff for the summer... had the best hugs with him even though he tickled me like i was gonna die already! it was so tingly that the feeling stayed with me. i'm gonna miss him so much... he got to be part of diane's 18 roses! it was sooo cute... hehe... i hope we could have another dance just like how it was during his grad ball...
tis my first time to drink tequila as well today. i didn't like it. i was part of diane's 18 shots. got touched she remembers we were best friends in grade four... truly one of the truest friends around. good thing she'll also be in ateneo... tis just sad management closed already when she confirmed... now she's on for commtech management... hope we'd still get to see each other often there...
[b]Ever date someone younger than you?: [/b] i guess but now, i don't have too :D
[b]Ever been drunk: [/b] tipsy... my 17th bday at ipanema. that's when i've decided i don't wanna be drunk again...
[b]Been in love:[/b] i am now... :)
[b]Loved someone who you knew you couldn't have: [/b] not really... i don't think so.
[b]Gotten in a car accident:[/b] if you call being hold-upped while in the car an accident, then yes.
[b]Broken a bone:[/b] yes. grade 1... my right elbow!
[b]Had your heart broken:[/b] been there.
[b]Cheated on someone: [/b]nope.
[b]Been cheated on:[/b] hopefully never.
[b]Last time you said I love you to someone: [/b] a few hours ago...
[b]Last time you cried:[/b] a few hours ago as well.
[b]Last time you laughed:[/b] a couple of hours ago...
[b]Where do you see yourself in 10 years:[/b] a successful executive... or if not, i'm working my ass off to get there. i have a happy, budding family :)
[b]What age do you see yourself married?:[/b] around 25-26... same as ann... as long as i'm stable already...
[b]Describe your dream wedding:[/b] its elegance can be found in its profound simplicity. just the most important family members and the closest friends. very solemn.
[b]Do you sleep with a stuffed animal?: [/b] i used to but my stuffed dog got to be so big that he kept on falling off the bed...
[b]If you could dye your hair one color wat would it be?: [/b]black.
[b]Have you ever been skinny-dipping:[/b] nope.
[b]Do you eat chicken with fingers or with a fork?[/b] depends where i am.
[b]Would you rather give or receive?[/b] both... but there is more joy in giving :)
[b]How many homes have you lived in?: [/b] 2
[b]Do you play any instruments?[/b] i used to play the piano and the guitar.
[b]1 pillow or two?[/b] 2 big ones and yellow yutie
[b]Do you get along with your parents?[/b] not as much as the others do.
[b]Do you drive? [/b] i'm learning.
[b]What kind of car do you have?[/b] don't have my own but i'd like to have an audi...
[b]Whats your fav. color?: [/b] apple green
[b]Do you work?[/b] nope.
[b]Whats your favorite food: [/b] calamares. chicharon bulaklak. teriyaki. salted fish and chicken fried rice. bagoong. beef brisket.
[b]Do you have braces:[/b] for 5 years now!!!
[b]How many girls have you kissed: [/b] cheek? hehe.. i'd say damn too many...
[b]When was the last time you went on a date: [/b] march 19 '04... friday... movie: 50 first dates
[b]Have you ever got in serious trouble?:[/b] how serious is serious?
[b]Why is the sky blue:[/b] quite a long scientific explanation for that.
[b]Who was your first crush: [/b] billy joe?! haha
[b]When you meet a person of your preferred sex, you first notice their: [/b] face... especially his smile
[b]Are you the romantic type:[/b] yup.
[b]Have you ever been chased by cops?: [/b] yes... i was with my tita... color coding!
[b]What's a secret you've never told anyone: [/b] that's why it's a secret, right?
it's all about the summer... and a renewed kind of independence, i guess.
option 1: EUROPE - i'd have to wait for a month to get a visa and i'll have a month of doing nothing
option 2: U.S. - we already have visa. travel to the states i miss and haven't been to in a long time. new york - watch broadway shows, los angeles - visit hollywood, and where there are other scenic and worthwhile places.
option 3: SPEECHPOWER - combined with fitness first and a digicam and my dad's casio watch with a digicam (how cool is that? well actually he gave it to me already)
option 4: AUSTRALIA - haven't been there at all
option 5: HAWAII - nothing to do there but go to the beach
so what's it gonna be? well my dad said i'm definitely gonna travel with my mom. and he's looking at options 1 and 2. but option 2 is more feasible because the visa's ready already. *sigh*
how attached is too attached? i definitely have no regrets on being attached to the one i love most because by being that attached, i get to give my all to him. and it's true, when you give more of yourself, happiness just flows through and from you. it's just like that.. amazing isn't it?
but again, how attached is being too attached? in love, two people have to both give themselves to each other for a successful relationship. in ours, that holds true. he never lacked in giving me what i wanted. i don't think i have... if ever, i may have not realized it. i've been so blessed to be showered with the kind of love he gives me... it's a lavish kind of love to the point that i think i'm getting spoiled already. that's where he gives too much of himself. on my part, i may have given too much of myself on a negative note. i may have been too stuck on him that i want all the time with him... it's negative because i get to eat his time with his family and friends. i want every minute to be spent with him and when i can't get it... i become a sullen sourgrape.
in deep thinking, i guess i'm becoming the girl who makes my world revolve the world around a guy. and that's the kind of girl i've always disliked. i've become the horror in my own life. and yes, i have reflected. we can't always be together as i'd want to. we still have our own separate lives to live yet we're together. i'd want him to have a full, balanced life-- with his family, friends, interests, and me as well. and to do that, i must spend more time with my kind of stuff as well... a little bit of loosening up... a little bit of independence.
the best thing about a relationship that's really strong? well... it's that there's trust that no matter what happens, no matter what hindrance there is present, it can withstand all of them. it cann't be weathered by the strongest storms, hurricanes, and tornadoes. and that's what i need to invest in our relationship... deep trust... and faith. definitely faith. for the sake of love...
i cry at the smallest things that can gradually weather our relationship. but i'd rather take the pain and sacrifice to shed tears of indescribable joy for having a tried and tested relationship no one nor thing can ever break...
together yet independent... with trust... faith... love...
talked to toff this afternoon. seems like we wouldn't be seeing much of each other... :( his mom didn't allow him to o out a week before they leave for the states. in addition to that, his stay there might be extended. so... basically, not much bonding time during the summer. so in frustration, i've decided to see if my dad would allow me and mom to go to europe. it's either that or i'll continue with my speechpower... *sigh*
slept at 6 a.m. and woke up around 10:30 a.m. how many hours of sleep is that?! heck, i need sleep.
well talked to gsel and ann. gsel had a story to share about tim and his ex, mayi. mayi told tim that someone was texting her and calling her a cradle snatcher and assumed it was gsel. tim believed mayi and didn't even tell his ex that gsel couldn't do something as pathetic as that. so i had to text tim coz gsel wouldn't fight as much as she needed to. she had to fight for her right of course as the gf. well i guess it was just quite a misunderstanding coz they got to fix it anyway. peace once again. :wink:
well i've been eating less lately... haven't been the hog-eater that i was. today i ate 3/4 of a cup of rice with smashed squash and galungong. simple food yet yum. hopefully i'd get thinner by the end of the summer... hehe
i better fight my sleepiness now so i'd sleep early later. toff isn't happy with my time table, as he calls it. when he's up, i'm asleep and vice versa. well i'll try to have a same sked with him so we could talk more often.
woke up to a very heated room. once again, i felt being roasted like a damn chicken. anyway i slept again with the aircon on and woke up around 6 p.m. that was one relaxing sleep i had. paying thousands for an air conditioner definitely is all worth it!
anyway, didn't do anything much today. toff and i got to talk late already and i'm really annoyed and worried with the fact that a lot of girls will be studying in csb. toff can really be a girl magnet. he's super friendly in addition to his big bod. *sigh* oh well... i'm happy he's happy with his course. i'm excited for him too about going to different places.. that'll be really something for him. only him staying in a condo near there will really be a great test to our relationship. well if we really want to work things out, we'll do fine. we just have to keep the love alive.. and it will... hopefully.. :)
well in the wee hours of the morning, toff and i talked about what my blog the other day. we were talking fine but he said he needed time... so after the talk which ended at 5 in the morning, he never communicated with me the whole day until he was about to sleep. that definitely ripped my heart... i couldn't take a whole day of not communicating with him... call it attached (because i really am) but that's just how i am.. i always miss him... even just after a minute that he has left. for some it could be pathetic but i'm sure there are others who also are like that at times. due to the love bug maybe. =p
well at the end of our "sunday trip" we went to megamall and had my phone settings fixed at globe. can't believe we already bought my school stuff for next school year.. national bookstore is hassle-free these days as my mom said. well while my cousins were browsing for books, i was too involved in my deep sadness that i wrote the previous blog while sitting on the national bookstore floor. i used my phone to write it down of course. after that, i felt slightly better even if i was quite cynical about love. i ended buying self-help books about how to deal with life... oh... i need that badly
well i had my own kind of "drunkeness" while i was down today. i rode on quantum leap, one of eureka's "big" rides. no kid was screaming their throats out so i had to do it for them-- just to add to the fun. hehe. kat and karla thought it was for real-- me scared of a kiddie ride? don't think so. uh-uh. that was quite an experience though.
oh yeah... i saw patbu, emiline and pau today in Christ the King. the rest saw ricky reyes-- starstruck. haha. sometimes, the world can really be too small.
my day aside, the night went smoothly. after realizing that toff wouldn't text back nor answer my calls, i called ann for comfort. i poured out my heart to her. good thing she can quite relate. well i think she had to much of my heavy drama stories that she really wanted to sleep. i didn't want to let her go like that while i can't stop sulking. we called up ponz so she could leave me with someone i can talk to but ponz made us wait for so long just to buy ice cream and watch anastasia on tv! good thing toff texted me already--- finally!!!
so i called toff up and we talked about it again in depth. of course, drama cannot simply be taken away. there was hurt, pain, anguish, understanding... a whole lot of explanations and outbursts of feelings... at the end of it all, i'm just glad we got back to normal. hopefully that would be the same in the morning. it's great to be okay once again. it's weird though... we have the best talks after fights/misunderstanding/t he like... well that wasn't the best but i surely felt relieved and happy we're okay....
and that makes my easter a happy easter!
also... i made up with jacky through text... hopefully no more gaps...
What I thought my last cry was never the last and what I hope would be my last cry would never be the last. That’s just how love can keep on going, hurting you like waves thumping on your back, drowning you in a sea of tears. It does cost a lot to be in love. The best of you gets rattled in meaningless folly but in the deep, you know there’s just too much sense going on no matter how ironic it seems. And you ache from the uncertainties of live and of love. Despite the pain love causes us, we can never be stopped from being impassioned. When shall we understand? Time will be there for the answer.. only when we’ve recognized it’s time for darkness to invade our twisted lives.. that then becomes the death of life, the death of your own world falling apart in your own self. Tragedy takes the place of what we have once thought was love… but think again, could love ever die? :oops:
yup, it's easter alright. technically, easter sunday's are supposed to be happy but i'm not sure if that's just the thing for me.
toffy read my previous blog. i know he's not happy with it but i just can't stop being bothered by not knowing what he really feels. plus, my aunt from the states is mad at me. she got mad about me making "api" my mom. i got irritated because at that time, i thought things were already getting better with my mom. in addition, she kept rubbing "boyfriend" into me like it's such a bad thing to have one.
i don't know if there ever will be somebody who will understand me like i understand myself. come on, din. get a life. no one will. pathetic that i give answers to my own skepticism. i know God's there... but somehow i couldn't connect with him. i haven't gone to Him for a while. i know He understands. yet i also know he's sad that i haven't been communicating with Him as much as before... this is the start...
[i]Lord, enlighten me to do Your will.
forgive me for hurting You...
please help me with a have a fresh start...[/i]
just as i get myself transformed, i hope i may face each consequence with hope, truth, and courage. i hope to go beyond the pitfalls of the past, and along the way, forgive myself for every wrong i've done.
toffy surprised me today. i just got out of the shower and as i was changing, i was texting with him. he was fishing if i miss him then he just reminded me how he would do any crazy thing for me. a few seconds after, my mom came into my room and said i had a visitor downstairs. i was going "HUH?"... just then i realized it was toffy on for a surprise for me. when i went down, i saw a box of yellow cab pepperoni and cheese pizza, my favorite choco mocha crunch cake from red ribbon, and a package of sylvannas. oh not to forget.. a lovely pink rose just to make me smile. :wink: well it worked. it was really a GOOD surprise because i didn't see it coming. he's really the best... the sweetest... hard not to love him, huh? nearly 8 months of our relationship and i'm glad we're going strong. damn strong. and i'm so thankful for that. we may have been crazy doing all these sweet things to each other but they're definitely all worthwhile... love indeed takes so many shapes... and the shape of it that i'm experiencing right now, it's simply undescribable... :D
anyway, i'm cleaning my room now.. i'm just on a break because i felt the need to blog. somehow the "unfinished business" swept over me and i just had to deal with it. i reopened one of the memoirs and went deep into it. i couldn't believe how real it still seemed to me as tears rolled down my cheeks. it was as if it just came yesterday. but there was a letting go. and there is a letting go. and what must be done, must be done. after all, there is such a thing as "forgive and forget" and that's something that i have to do to have all the deep wounds heal.
[i]to you, i am sorry for the hurt. to you, thank you for making things real. to you, thank you for making me learn from my mistakes. to you, thank you for the great but bumpy ride. all's forgiven. i forgive you... i hope that one day, you'll find a way to forgive me. no more crossing of paths. no more unjust criticisms. no more hurtful actions. you are what you are. i am what i am. what once used to be just one world now has taken two roads apart. now, i wish you a wonderful life....[/i]
it's past four in the morning and i'm still up chatting with mel and jason. mel's up chatting with bobby, her crush who already has a girlfriend. jason's just really nocturnal. he's really interesting-- quite a songwriter. anyway, cai was chatting with a while ago too but she just disappeared.
well jason was just sharing about dreams, writing, and just being deep. i was those things before. my last best dream was when i was 14. i was escaping ghosts and witches with joshua jackson! how funny is that? well maybe not funny, but at least amusing. writing? i stopped. it just didn't work for me but jason inspired me to just let things out. i might just do that one of these days. and being deep? well i need to get to the core of myself to do that. somehow these days i feel i'm just at the surface. concentration, meditation, relaxation. i need just those.
the class is having an outing on the 13th and 14th... in calamba, laguna-- nica's place. some of the unexpected people are going. and i want to go too. i would be missing the jurassic bond we have. gosh, if only i could go. argh. well my mom wouldn't allow me to go that far for two days and i have first day of my speech classes on the 14th. aww.. damn. it breaks my heart that i wouldn't be able to go.
oh well.. get over that din.
anyway, holy thursday and good friday have just been spent having a marathon of the O.C. incredible series. one heck of a rich community that complicates everything. juvenile deliquents, psycho freaks, bimbos in a seemingly secure environment. it may contain a lot of crap people but it's one great show. i'm with toffy-- i don't like marissa too. i hate her!!! she's so blind. toff, if you're reading this, you should really watch it. i'm getting hooked already...
talked to andoy last night up to 4:30 in the morning. no doubt he was full of sense which made it quite an experience talking to him. he had fun talking to yellow yutie. andoy's a friend since 2nd year and it's been really a long time since i talked to him. it was him who first told me about the story "love is a fallacy". indeed, love can at times be a fallacy... [i]when love is what we want call what isn't.[/i] that past love was a fallacy. [b]what i have now is real-- so true.[/b]
anyway, tof got irritated about me talking to a guy friend until the wee hours of the morning. i called him after and he got cold. we had quite an argument going but we got to fix it. i'd have to ask permission before i talk to a guy. fine with me.
with all that cold, raised voice though, i couldn't help feel be the fragile glass that's about to break once more heat is added. the pressure breaks the very center of me. i've become weak. i'm not as strong as before. i need to pull myself together... love shouldn't break me... but it could make me...
well things were settled already
after the settling it, we had a great talk after that unti 7 in the morning. he sure can really be funny-- plain fun to talk to! imagine, i thought he said something like he wants to finish 3 years of college IN one sem but actually, he meant he want to finish college in 3 years AND one sem... dumbo me... i guess i fool around in such a cute way... and so does my baby... hehe
we talked some more in the afternoon and it was one of our best talks. but it led us to a past fight-- the one with angeliq. :x it does break my heart... :oops: more pressure for my breakage but it's all been done. all's forgiven. i wouldn't exchange that incident with what i have with toffy.
i do love him more than anything. best guy in the world... my hugs to him... snuggle woggle woggle...
ahhhhh... i'm getting battered with ym messages. i'm not used to them, but it's getting to be fun.
anyway, went out today with my mom and karla. we checked out wilma cruz tapalla academe in greenhills and speechpower in eastwood. karla and i have unanimously agreed that we like eastwood better for reasons that would benefit both of us. reasons? toffy and jhonel. hehe. i just better get something out of my summer before college.
speaking of college, andoy came alive today after a long time. tis nice hearing from him again. he told me management closed already! so i'm stuck with management engineering. that means less time with toff and more time for books and blockmates... =( maybe it's what God really wants for me.
oh ya... i forgot to update this. i already bought a new phone last sat. it's a sony ericsson z600. it definitely isn't as nice as my old 6600 but it would suffice. i don't like its camera and other things about it but at least it has bluetooth-- the thing gail teases me about. plus, for some reason, my phone's bat is made in japan, it has only a spanish manual, it has chinese characters and something in french. how weird could my new phone be? well at least it's different from most phone's people have.. it's nice to be different once in a while.. 8)
all the birthday celebrations have gone by and now all there is to do is be a bum. i'm just at home doing absolutely nothing... except for eat and hope for something to do.
well i called up speechpower eastwood and wcta (tapalla) in greenhills a while ago and inquired about their speech programs. they offer interesting classes though they're pretty expensive. mom wants tapalla better but their sched is 4-8 pm tues and thurs. eastwood, on the other hand, has a more flexible sched. either way, i can go shop or just hang out before classes either in greenhills or eastwood. slight difference... hehe. well i think we'll go check out the one in greenhills tom.
o ya... i forgot to update this.. i already bought a new phone. a sony ericsson z600. it's not as nice as my old 6600 but it suffices. i don't like its camera and some of the other things about it but at least it has bluetooth and infrared... plus, it's way different from most people's phones.. hehe. it's nice to be different once in a while..
anyway, i gotta fix some other things or just surf.... i don't really know what to do!
alby called this night. it was a very cold conversation. well i wasn't really over our last fight which i have to say, it was my fault not letting him explain. anyway, we sorted things out and we're quite okay now. only, i told him it's likely that we leave the "best friends" title. that's just not how it works anymore.
well i'm home tonight. no party. but i got to work on the class profile using microsoft access. geekazoid. well i just want to get info on my classmates.. i'm gonna miss them soo much.. they're the only ones i'll miss about aa. not the teachers, not the school... just the class. i don't know why. quite a sad thing, isn't it?
anyway, i've found the next best thing to my 6600 that's less expensive yet something like it. sony ericsson z600. i don't know how it would work when it's with me but so far i like what i have researched. it costs 22 thou though... i only have 8,500... i have a long way to go. i hope my tita can go for half of it.. i cross my fingers...
but for now, in time for holy week, i really do need peace of mind. i feel that i lack a part of myself.. what is is? i don't know....
I"m home early from nica's birthday party. The food was great... we got "dugong" tummies again. everybody's getting fat with all the parties we're attending. anyway, gail was there finally. i got the "package" from mark, her cousin. can't believe how [i]jologs[/i] gail was back then. hehe. :twisted:
anyway, here i am again trying to get that photojam program and fixing pix. i'll be doing the same tomorrow. hope i get all things done by sunday...
tis 7:25 in the evening and i'm just waiting for toff to pick me up. yep, i'm going out again. last night it was ann's birthday dinner at her house and i had two big rounds with the food there. i was such an early bird... and the earliest to go as well. why? one word: mom.
anyway, today, it's nica's birthday dinner at her house in brookside. i'm late, i know. my sister's still coming from makati that's why mom asked toff to pick me up instead. it's my sister's first day of practicum in ing. whatever it is. well while waiting, i'm uploading pix for gail and the background of my blog. well gotta fix up..
life can get the shit on or off you depending on what you do with it. and just when life crises hit you hard, you just can't get away but instead, damn deal with it. there ahead each one of us is a charade of mysteries waiting to be solved. till that happens, here is my life being cracked open...
